Cowgirl in the Snow

Blast me into space...

(no subject)
Sick of being hurt and let down.

Motherhood, when your child reaches schoolage

Today, while hanging my washing on the line (unshod, dancing with the hot pavement and the ants), I heard a small voice call, "mum?" By habit I almost replied, "I'm out here, darling!" before realising the small voice was coming from the opposite side of my fence and not only that, but it was the voice of a girl, not my son, and several years older, too. I think its a universal thing for mums to respond to that call like a nervous reaction, once you do it enough times. It was one of those moments where you realise exactly where you are in life.

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Stupid little boy asking for trouble

Cowgirl in the Snow says (11:22 PM):
oh OMG i love your glasses. youre hot without them but when you put them on i'm like *melts*
Toy Boy.. says (11:22 PM):
dont melt
ill have NO choice but to drink you up
Cowgirl in the Snow says (11:22 PM):
well dont splash me with water then!
Cowgirl in the Snow says (11:23 PM):
youll get on your hands and knees and lap at me like a dog!
Toy Boy.. says (11:23 PM):
mm yes miss
oh miss!!! miss miss miss miss
Cowgirl in the Snow says (11:23 PM):
Toy Boy.. says (11:23 PM):
i want you so bad!!!!
come here and take me!!
use me!
abuse me
Toy Boy.. says (11:24 PM):
hurt me!
ruin me
just take everything!!! and dont give anything back

I'm sorry but. That was a little example of my boy being randomly SEXY and I couldn't keep it to myself. MMMmmmmmmmmraaaaawrrrrrrr! I'm gonna tear you up, boy!


(no subject)
Cowgirl in the Snow says (10:09 AM):
they dont understand facial expressions or tones of voice, so they dont understand when you are angry at them unless you tell them in concrete language "i am angry"
so like, you can yell at him all you like, and he interprets the loud voice as excitement and gets more excited and happy
so frustrating LOL
benge@--(E-mail address not verified) says (10:09 AM):
Cowgirl in the Snow says (10:10 AM):
yeah cute until he is dont something really dangerous or naughty and doesnt react to you telling him to stop
benge@-- (E-mail address not verified) says (10:10 AM):

just had to write that down to remember it

I'm not in love but I'm gonna fuck you til somebody better comes along
This was originally posted on fetlife before being deleted and reposted here. I'll probably delete it from here before long, too.

This doesn't belong here, but I'm too bitter to give a goddamn shit.

Pfft. Boys are stupid. Agreed?

It's Mothers Day tomorrow and I haven't got a gift for my mother. But my son hasn't got a gift for me either, so there you go. However, I did get a very nasty call from his father this morning. I am so close to housing just a seething hatred for him and nothing else. No more kindness, understanding, tolerance, and definitely no more friendship from me to him. I am sick of his bullshit. He can scream down the phone to me til my ears are ringing all he likes. I won't hear a word. I've done NOTHING but be nice to him, and time and time again I find myself wondering why (oh, yeah, because I don't want my son growing up with parents that hate each other).

...But I haven't got a gift for my mother. So I'm fucked, really. Because, you know, in a family where smiles are forced, gifts are an obligation more than an act of kindness. It would have been nice if she stopped buying so many gifts for herself, that would have made it easier to think of something to get for her. Or maybe I could afford a gift for her, if she wasn't demanding that I pay her back the $1500 I owe her so she can pay off her credit cards that are all fucked up due to the floor to ceiling collection of shoes in her cupboard that she's never worn, or the handbags to match each fucking pair of shoes, or the yearly trips to Europe, while I stay home, struggle to find a roof over my head, struggle to pay for my son's therapy because our government funding has run dry ($6000 for one years worth of therapy? Get fucking REAL, I pay $500+ a week in doctors bills for him! It looks good in the newspapers but ask any parent of a child with autism and $6000 is just laughable, if it weren't so fucking sad), and his dad still hasn't given me his share of the therapists' bills, and I only get $30 a month in child support payments despite the fact that his partner is a mother fucking lawyer and she owns her own home and me and his son ARE THIS FUCKING CLOSE TO BEING HOMELESS.

I have the cash to pay her back. But it would be kissing my emergency savings goodbye. I dislike her intensely, and I have nobody to fall back on. You cannot rely on anybody in this life other than yourself.

(no subject)

I have much to update on, but it is icky sticky, fetish-related things, and I'm not sure who wants to know this stuff.

In any case, I have a boyfriend and he's very awesome. Wow, saying that almost seems like, woah, ME? Surely not... Because, I don't know. I've not been thinking of acquiring a boyfriend, but rather been thinking of some superhero to come along and save me and make it all better. He's my hero, but doesn't have superpowers. Some very good man powers, though.

Yesterday morning he said, "I think I'm in love with you".

I told him I won't say it back until I know for sure. I guess I can't help but be cautious because "I love you" is a big commitment to someone and I don't know if I can commit to someone in that way before I've introduced them to Leith, but at the same time, that in itself is a big commitment as well... In any case, I like him a LOT.

Help me please...
*sigh* Guys. I'm screwed. I can't afford to live on my own (with Leith, obviously) and I think my chances of being accepted for tenancy are screwed anyway because I fucked up in the last month of my last rental and now I'm pretty sure that real estate agent thinks I'm ridiculous and won't recommend me to anyone. *sigh* I fucked up. But it is unusual for me to screw up my payments and things. I think due to circumstances at that house. My anxiety levels were overwhelmingly high and I couldn't function. I'm still struggling to get back to my normal self and being able to live on my own is a necessity.

Does anybody know anything about um... I dunno... I don't even know where to begin. I need help. What do I do? Can I fix this?

I just wish I was in a position to buy my own house. But by the time Leith's FACSIA funding runs out, we'll be screwed. How do people DO this????? We were at one of his speech therapy groups a couple of months ago and one of the mothers, whose little boy is very similar to Leith in temperament (mild) and sensory issues (pretty bad) and speech (pretty bad) there said to me, "I'm sorry, but are you doing this alone?" I quietly said yes, and had to look away because tears started flooding my eyes, completely unexpectedly. 9She said "oh god, I can't imagine it..." The fact that she, someone who ACTUALLY understood what this is like, couldn't imagine doing this, and SHE has a husband, and she wears nice clothes so I assume he has money... I'm not sad about my situation. I'm not sad about being alone. I'm not sad about much... I just am stuck. There's nowhere for me to go from here and I don't know how to get forward.

a paragraph about kindergarten that is kind of irrelevantCollapse )

Is it a really bad idea to consider moving into a one bedroom home?? At the moment Leith and I share a bedroom and bed anyway, but he's three now, and I think he'd do better to be sleeping in his own bed by the time he's five at least. And we've moved house twice in the last six months, and I need a new house ASAP because I'm living with my sister and her husband and in April their lease runs out and they move into their new house (currently being built). So after that, I'd like to not move house for at least three years. It's been really hard on Leith. And really hard on me. But Leith doesn't deserve this mess. He has a baby brother which will be born in April (Matt's girlfriend is pregnant) and when that happens... Well, fuck, he'll need something solid, you know? Poor kid. I feel like I'm fucking up his childhood and it makes me cry because he deserves better than this and I can't provide for him because I'm me.

Wanna hear my podcasts?

Thinking of posting audio journal entries rather than written ones, because I don't have time to write and yet I very much feel the need to communicate to someone, somewhere, what's going on in my day-to-day life (if only to collect my thoughts, you know?). I feel overwhelmingly detached from my peers and it sucks. I have had to give up on three, yes, THREE potential relationships in the past year for no reason other than the fact that I simply have no time to give the person the attention they deserve. And I so desperately need adult, non-family company, just to give myself some relief from parenthood and everything that has come with it.

The lack of time is due to the fact that I am bringing up a three year old with Autism by myself, which is made that much harder due to my own ADHD, sensory processing difficulties and depression. These invisible "disorders" of mine each have symptoms which feed off the others', worsening the symptoms to such a point that I am so overwhelmed by them that oftentimes I find myself utterly unable to function!! Not only in my home life, but even socially. I've become completely socially awkward, where I used to make friends wherever I went.

When I chose against aborting my pregnancy I understood and made peace with the fact that single parenthood meant sacrificing my chances of ever finding a partner to love and settle down with. I still am at peace with that; it is empowering to know that I can do what I do without relying on (and potentially being let down by) a romantic companion. But, three years down the track, sacrificing my social life completely?! Yeah, not good for me OR my son.

The point is, I am thinking I need to explore other ways of reaching out to people, because obviously what I'm doing now isn't working. And if I can educate people about ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders at the same time, that would be fricken awesome. Especially considering people with ADHD and ASDs are more likely than neurotypical people to find reading journal entries out of the question (then again listening to podcasts could be out of the question for some, too).

The question is, how many of you guys are likely to listen to a podcast spoken by yours truly?
And by the same token, what would you (if there ARE any of you, potential listeners) be interested in hearing me talk about?

This would probably all be posted on my LJ or a separate LJ account.

Adios, bitches. ;)

Meme stolen from riotqueerfemme
((I don't usually reply to these things, let alone repost them in my own journal, but I enjoyed using my brain to answer this one and thought it would be interesting to see if any of you guys replied and if you did, what you replied with! So thar you go!))

Post a picture in my comments of what you think describes me when you think about what/who I am. No matter how surreal or plain.

Give no written explanation.

Just an image.

(Optional: Post this in your journal and see what images you get.)


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