| Meme stolen from riotqueerfemme |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|05:49 pm] |
((I don't usually reply to these things, let alone repost them in my own journal, but I enjoyed using my brain to answer this one and thought it would be interesting to see if any of you guys replied and if you did, what you replied with! So thar you go!))
Post a picture in my comments of what you think describes me when you think about what/who I am. No matter how surreal or plain.
Give no written explanation.
Just an image.
(Optional: Post this in your journal and see what images you get.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|11:28 am] |
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General feeling of loserness and low self esteemness and self absorbedness and of course the guilt that accompanies whenever I think about anything that has nothing to do with my son. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|12:29 pm] |
It is all very hard and for the first time in my life I'm not coping very well with this change that has been forced upon me. I think I'm most worried for Leith because I don't think it's fair on him at all. And I can't fucking wait to get out of this house. The housing situation has been solved as my sister has offered for me to move in with her. I'm mostly depressed about the situation at this house and hating this place and not seeing my sister's house as a grand solution that I'm really looking forward to. More than anything, more than anything in the fucking world I just want a place for me and Leith on our own but we can't afford it. Makes me terribly reliant on other people being tolerant towards me and my son and as I've come to find, they're just not. It might be different with my sister and her husband as they are family but I would still rather not rely on them. I hate the thought of us getting in a big argument over anything. I am terribly defensive about all things Leith and if anybody questions my parenting or does something that compromises my parenting goals then all hell will break loose (as it has in this situation). And I would hate for that to occur between my sister and I. But what's the point in worrying about things that haven't happened yet?
Also I'm loving this suburb and its proximity to Leith's dad. Even if it is a good forty minutes from my parents... Leith is ten minutes away from his dad and I just feel really good about that. Now we're moving even further away than we were before, so shit.
Anyway. I need to run to the chemist while Becky is here to babysit Leith for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|10:39 am] |
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I have nowhere to live, come January. Can't even fall back on my parents this time because my brother and sister and their wife/husband respectively will be living there while their houses are getting built. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|07:48 pm] |
I spent the whole day asleep by accident. Now there's no chocolate anywhere which makes me want to go back to bed.
I feel like such a bad fucking mum these days. I cannot get my head around "floortime". No, I get it, but my head is elsewhere and I just hate myself today because I'm not doing it enough. I love my son, I want him to be happy. I hate me. |
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| Going potty |
[Sep. 5th, 2009|04:31 pm] |
For personal records, really. In the next week or so I'm going to start potty trainign Leith. I'm scareded. Step one is that I just want him to sit on the potty but I'm afraid I'm going to be too tempted to push it further than what he's ready for by trying to get him to sit on it without his pants on. Leith has sensory issues so I think the plastic of the potty is going to be a bit of a set back for him. I think if there was a weighted cushion or something I could put on his lap it might help him stay seated but god knows where I would get something like that. I'll just see if he can handle sitting on it for any period of time, though. God knows he loves following me to the toilet and playing with the toilet paper (eeeghhh) and flushing the toilet (while I'm still sitting on it! Dammit!) and is even starting to pull down his pants and tell me when he's done a poopoo. I need to go on youtube and find a few videos about toilet training and go to the Activ library and get a video called Tom's Toileting Triumph which is impossible to get anywhere and is outrageously expensive anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|11:56 am] |
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I need a housemate and I also need to move house. Anybody have any suggestions or ideas or anybody wanna live with me and Leith? O_o |
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| Leith - saying HELP! :) |
[May. 19th, 2009|03:56 pm] |
Leith has learned the word 'help' !!!! :)
I've been trying to teach it to him for the longest time. This morning, at his first ever speech therapy group, we were had a moment to ourselves and he was playing with this truck and I was having a bit of a daydream. The wheel on the truck fell off and he handed it to me, saying "help." It didn't occur to me until after I'd fixed it that what he had said was "help" and not something else and now he's been saying it all day, whenever he needs me to get something out of his reach or to fix something.
This is a HUGE milestone for us!! I was beginning to lose heart because all he's been doing since learning words is naming objects and mimmicking (which I know is still really awesome!!! but I didn't know how to get him to use his words to communicate with me).
He's also been pushing me into the kitchen when he wants something to eat. Awesomenessness. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2009|01:45 pm] |
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Why doesn't anybody understand that I'm stressed out and that I have a legitimate reason to be stressed and that it won't go away because I have a LOT OF SHIT TO DO AND IF I DON'T DO IT EVERYTHING WILL BE FUCKED. |
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| Photos!!!!!11121314r135rdfcv |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|12:21 am] |
Leith's started trying to climb out of his cot. I'm so not ready to put him in a big boy bed yet!! Aaaahhhhh!!!! He'll go mental playing with everything rofl.
Here's some photos.
That's one of the first faces Leith ever drew (the other ones he drew on his blackboard and kept on erasing them straight away lol).
The bit at the very top is the hair, then there's the two eyes, the big long thing is the nose with the ears either side and below that is the mouth. Gorgeous, isn't it? :) He points at it and goes "boooyyy!!" lol. He drew a girl once, too, with a pony tail on the side. Rofl.
I made this doll for him.
Line of magnet letters
Line of crayons, lol
A lovely painting!!!!!!!!
Leith's bedroom. LOL look at his face. Notice he has his very own pirate ship, set of drums and guitar. Spoilt, much? lol! He's only just started playing with the guitar and drums though and he doesn't care for the pirate ship. It's just a place to hold all of his other crap, really! :P And the couch is where I read him his goodnight story and on the other side of that is his cot.
His favourite things in the world, his collection of toy cars!! Brrrm brrrrm-CRASH!!!
Body art
As Leith would say, "bloss!!!!"
He loves to drawwww. So proud!!
And... this is what happens when I cook. |
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| Writer's Block: Going to Extremes |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|10:16 pm] |
HOCKEY!! Ok, I know that's not an extreme sport but that's about as extreme as I'm willing to go. lol. Being that I'm scared of heights and waves and sand (I have really logical reasons for being scared of the last two!!!) And this question was about being in shape not about being fearless so YEAH, hockey. Totally. |
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| First steps towards potty training!! |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|11:23 pm] |
Ok, kids! This is it! I've made THE DECISION. I'm going to start potty training Leith. I'll have to plan a week this month some time of just straight toilet training, nothing else, so that we can really concentrate on it. At the moment I'm casually trying to teach Leith about poopoos and weewees but as he's not a great communicater I'm not sure if he knows when he's done/doing a poo or wee, because he doesn't tell me, and while I know he finds it uncomfortable that there's poo in there or he has a wet nappy I don't know if he understands that it is uncomfortable because he has done a poo. Soooo we'll just have to see what happens. He's done plenty of wees on the floor (lol I let him run around naked a lot) and he stands still and looks down, and I always do a big song and dance "weewee! you're doing a weewee! what a big wee!" so I think he knows what a wee is when he's not wearing his nappy. Sooo the first steps have been laid. He also knows that he hates wearing his nappy and hates having his nappy changed. He likes watching me change teddy's nappy and sometimes he'll try to change teddy's nappy too - which I'm REALLY proud of!
I've been wanting to do it for a while but I'm starting to feel that this is actually the right time to do it, and I don't mind if it works or takes forever or if he sometimes does it and sometimes doesn't or if he does a massive poo and shit flies everywhere in the process! I'm pretty relaxed about that sort of thing. I'm not sure if it'll work but I think it's the right time to have our first try.
Why do I think this is the right time? Well, the nappy is causing major problems. Leith hates wearing his nappy and I've been approaching it from a behavioural point of view before now, trying to get him to relax more about it, trying to make it a nicer/more exciting experience etc but it's gotten to the point where he's scratching the hell out of himself because he finds wearing it that uncomfortable (whether or not it's clean/dirty/wet) and because he's scratching it so much, wiping him with the nappy wipes at nappy change time now stings his skin and upsets him even more than before! So he doesn't like his nappy and loves to not wear it and even prefers to wear big boy underwear even though I don't think he associates it woth being a big boy, I think it's just more comfy. Anyway so it's pretty obvious that this wouldn't be a problem if he was toilet trained and I may as well start now.
A lot of lower functioning children with autism aren't able to be toilet trained until they're a fair bit older and I've heard of them having to be at primary school and still wearing a nappy, the poor things. So I've been a bit worried about it, sure. But Leith's shown so much progress with everything else I've put a lot of effort into teaching him so hopefully this will be the same. I'm thinking maybe I can manipulate the situation by feeding him a lot of prunes so he'll do a poopoo while he's sitting on the potty hehehe. I think once he does his first poos and wees in the potty it'll be a bit easier to help him understand the potty's function. If all else fails I'm going to have to draw some pretty explicit drawings for him, lol. I also think I'm going to have to make a warm, soft cover for the potty seat because he doesn't like sitting on plastic (fairly typical for an autistic child to be sensitive about things like that I think, for anybody wondering if I'm imagining that he doesn't like plastic seats lol).
I could wait for him to see an occupational therapist to do this but I figure I've got some pretty good ideas about how to approach it so far so I don't think it'd do any harm to try it by myself. |
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| A bit of a big ramble. |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|02:16 am] |
Oh man, I feel sick. Should be in bed by now. I'm having headaches every day, it's like my hair hurts. I want to cut my hair so badly. I'm wanting to shave the sides the day after my sister's wedding in May but after nearly a year of growing my mohawk out I don't know if I'll have the guts. But fuck it'll be such a relief to get rid of half of this hair.
And my vagina hurts, too. I never used to be able to predict when my periods would come. I've always had ridiculously irregular and unpredictable periods. They're still irregular as shit but I can tell when they're due "any day now" now. But that'll all change once I get this mirena taken out. Having some BAD side effects from that thing. That's not to discourage anyone from using it, I'm sure it's some great thing but for some reason contraceptive devices seem to really hate me and if anybody is smirking while reading this sentence just fuck you, ok. The pill made me a very angry person, that's why I stopped taking it and that was ages before I fell pregnant. Now this one I'm on since having Leith is awesome and all but yeah my body is like "what is this thing" and I'm surprised it's taken me two years to decide enough is enough and that I want it out. I'm going to do one more round of antibiotics to see if it helps but if not I guess it's out and I'll be trying the whatchamacallit, the err... Implanon. Half of me is like "fuck it, I'm not having sex with anybody and I don't even have time for a relationship and I don't have the confidence to pursue anything casual so why bother with this right now" but I know that I'm that disorganised that if I were to ever somehow by some miracle attract somebody and that person happened to be male it would take forever for me to be organised enough to get on some form of contraceptive and I'm not incredibly trusting of condoms.
Leith, what can I say about him, he's been an absolute darling, I fucking love him, that's obvious of course. He knows so many words now. He knows his numbers from one to ten, he can count them backwards, he can read them out of order, he knows his alphabet although he has problems pronouncing things as hard as he tries (one specialist wondered if he might have, what's it called, dyspraxia? off the top of my head, that might be totally the wrong word though). He doesn't call animals by their names but rather by the noises they make, but we're getting there. Still calling everything with wheels a car BUT he knows a train is a train now as well. What else? Trying to get him to say his name. His done it a couple of times but that's just been repeating me, he doesn't like to answer questions like "what's your name?" He says it "Lee" anyway, which I like, even though I never intended him to have that nickname, but I like it that that's how he pronounces it for now. Better than "Piss" which was his first attempt. He is absolutely beautiful. He tries so hard. He's so into learning. He's also really into drawing now which is great because I wanted him to get into that. Unfortunately he's taken to drawing on the carpet but I don't blame him. Paper is pretty boring. He says hello and goodbye now, but it's not so much a social interaction than a learnt routine. He's now started to say "hello" when he opens a box, or turns a page, or basically to signal the beginning of something, and goodbye when he wants to finish an activity (waves goodbye to a sheet of stickers when he's bored with playing wtih them, for example). But he's also saying hello and goodbye to people as well and that's good. It's pretty interesting. I know him through and through and yet I'm still learning more about him each day as he gets older. He's a great kid. I'm lucky.
I've undertaken a million projects for him. I've sewed him a felt doll named "Daniel". I'm sewing him some felt clothes at the moment. It's taking me months but I'm hoping it'll help him to learn about dressing and undressing. And I'm always making him flashcards with numbers on them, because they're his favourite thing. He loves numbers almost more than he loves wheels now, I think. But he's not too fond of anything above twelve. He pronounces eleven as eyenenen. Anyway, I'm also making him two sets of alphabet flashcards now (he tends to lose them and such) and am making him some felt shape flashcards. But these things don't really help him to communicate. It's just naming objects. He's still making progress but I don't know how to help him communicate. I can't wait to get him in proper therapy. I'm trying my hardest not to shit on myself for taking so long to get him into therapy.
It's only half my fault because the waiting lists are huge and it's all so fucking confusing and I just hate it. I hate it. It's hard. These choices are the hardest choices I've ever had to make. Shit is serious now. I never saw myself becoming a mother and FUCK I never saw myself becoming a mother of a "special needs" child, which I don't think he is, let alone a disabled child, fuck it's weird to hear people talk about Autism as a disability, I'm sure it is for plenty of people but I can't believe that my son will ever actually be disabled because of it. He's a normal kid, he's just a bit different and needs more time and effort than most kids his age to get him up to their developmental level so that he has the best chance he possibly could at being...happy, I guess. I'm so scared he won't be happy. Who the fuck is happy? My heart breaks every time I think he might not be happy. My knees bend whenever he hurts or cries. He's sensitive to light now. The sun setting on our car ride home from his dad's house has made him vomit twice now. I just burst into tears for the longest time when I realised what it was that had made him sick. The sun, the fucking sun. Kids everywhere squint into the sun just to see if they really go blind. The sun gets in Leith's eyes by accident and it makes him vomit. It's painful to watch these things happening to my son that weren't happening before and that I don't understand and can't experience and I feel so alone because I know nobody feels this pain like I do for this innocent little boy. I hate how alone I am and I hate that I don't have the time to even attempt to not be alone. I just want him to be ok. I want him to be ok so bad. The moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted him to be ok. And I prayed, I've never seriously prayed before, I prayed that God would make sure he's ok, that he survived my pregnancy, and I said if he just made sure he was ok that I would be a proper Christian or something, and Leith was born the most perfect baby and I didn't keep my promise because I haven't been to church, even though I've wanted to, and now he's suffering like this, and some childish part of me wonders if that's the reason and if it's all my fault. Isn't that stupid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|11:45 am] |
Must. stop. feeling. sorry. for. self. all. the. time. bloody. bah. humbug.
jt4operjgpotrgdfcv
*cries*
I hate how I have no spare time anymore. When I spend time just relaxing, I fall behind in something else.
I've been looking forward to spending time with Leith more and more. I love playing with him. But most of the time he's happier just lining up his magnets. He does that all day long. Lines them up, puts them away. Lines them up again. Puts them away again. At least he's putting them away now rather than just throwing them on the floor! That's a mega plus.
I want some friends plz. Ok I know I have friends but I'm too lazy to invite them over. Jeez. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|12:51 pm] |
Leith was sitting on my lap just now playing with whatever he could find on my computer desk (after I slyly hid away any permanent markers, sharp objects and the keyboard, teeheehee, I'm so sneaky) while I wasted my time reading an interesting blog on face-blindness (http://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/im-strange-youre-a-stranger-prosopagnosia/ here if anybody is interested). He eventually came across a black box and opened it. It was full of photos I'd printed off at some point or another, and of course they were all photos of Leith. He pretty much threw each photo to the ground as quickly as he picked it up but he came to a photo of him, me and Matt together and he burst into tears. As if something incredibly sudden and painful had happened. He was inconsolible, cluching onto that photo. And I was cuddling him and I couldn't help myself, I burst into tears too, I told him a thousand times I'm so sorry. It's my fault. I didn't think he would be hurt by our separation so early in his life. He's only two! I didn't think he'd understand. Now my heart is just breaking and I'm overcome with guilt, although I know that if he were old enough to know that his father and I being apart is for the best he'd understand. But I feel terrible. I've taken something away from him and it genuinely made him sad. He's been attached to photos of me and Matt together before but I've never seen such a reaction before. My heart hurts. I don't think I'll forget this day for a while.
I can't remember when I last wrote. Leith has had his birthday. He turned two. He also got officially diagnosed with autism. He has no intellectual disability (although I never suspected that anyway) and is showing no signs of ADHD (boooonus), two things which are commonly seen together with children on the Autism Spectrum. Things are looking good for him. He's saying a lot more words. Food is now mush (mushroom) as well as nana (banana). He can count to five.
Anyway. I need to stop typing and go back to being a mother. |
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| Selling used items |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|04:47 pm] |
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Does anyone have any experience with selling on eBay? Or know of any other recommended methods of selling used clothing items? Or have any advice to give in general? And stuff? I just wanna sell Leith's old clothes, shoes, some old maternity clothes and clothes that no longer fit me since I've lost weight, and probably some shoes too. And possibly some of my mum's clothes as well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|02:47 pm] |
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I am so, so depressed these days. This is stupid. Cheer up, emo kid. I need help. I need someone to come and clean my house for me every week. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|04:49 am] |
Poo, poo, poo and poo poo.
My son being diagnosed with Autism? Is not the end of the world. But it is very fucking scary. And I am so, so, so very alone. And I just don't know if I'll ever be optimistic about the future again. I love my little boy so much. I want him to have every opportunity in the world... to just be happy. I love him so, so much... I would die from grief if he didn't know what happiness was..... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2008|12:16 am] |
I forgot to eat today. When I finally decided to let myself go to bed for the night, I realised how fucking hungry I was. I'm now eating three weetbix and wondering if I'll ever get my shit together. Also forgot to take my anti-depressants this morning. NOT looking forward to tomorrow.
I want Leith to be out of his cot and in a big kid bed. So I can sleep next to him. I wish I could fit in his cot. I know he wouldn't sleep on my bed. I love him so much. He's my entire world. I've got nothing else but him. |
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